After All These Years We’re Still Broken

We cried in bitter anguish, we cried in utter bliss. We felt the devils anger, and the sweetness of a kiss.

We meditated for so many years. Had therapists and many tears. We got drunk on beer and wine and whiskey and vodka and life. We got high, and we got low. We felt the heat and the ice.

We got sober. We ran away. We found the fields and the jungle and mountains and the cave. We drank the wicked brew and saw our lives break open. We travelled the world across land and ocean. We learned to be mindful, we learned to be still. We learned to forgive, just a little.

We did so much. And how we tried. And how we cried. We cut. We loved. We fucked. We sunk in to the ocean. We danced among the stars. We lied and we cheated, we collected many scars.

We tried to make things right. We tried to be good. We tried to live up to the expectations of others the best we could. We tried not to care. We tried to conform. We tried to be free. We tried to just be.

We tried to find the answers but we didn’t know the questions. We tried to find our way but we didn’t have directions. We sought protection from the world but we had no protection from ourselves. We were our worst enemies, not anybody else.

We tried to find god or spirit or love or nature or ecstasy or something. Anything, bigger and greater than ourselves and our parents and our education and our politicians and our culture and our society. Something to hold on to. Just something we could cherish and belong to. Something worth living for.

We never stopped searching. We kept on believing tomorrow might just be worth living an extra day for. But tomorrow never came. It’s still always today. And I’m still me and you’re still you. And we still want to change but we don’t know what to do. We still wish we were someone else. We’re still waiting to be saved.

When will this stop? When will this end? When will we get there? Does ’there’ even exist?

After all these years we’re still broken. Perhaps it’s unspoken, perhaps it’s not quite so much as before, but we’re still, frustratingly, achingly sore.

We still hate ourselves. We still feel weak. We still lack power when we speak. We still dream big, but our doubt is bigger. Too scared to try to actualise dreams, still scarred by painful memories of previous failures. Too self aware. Too hurt to care. Too clever but not quite clever enough. Too intimate with our minds and our flaws. Still unable to open doors.

Still unable to love. Still jealous. Still children, still seeking approval. We try and fail to be grown up. Trying and failing to be a success. Confused as ever about what we want from life, and still no clearer what any of this is for.

But there is no ‘off’ button, and we will go on. Learning, sharing, hoping, daring. Giving up, trying again, holding on, letting go. Finding ourselves, while getting lost.


10 thoughts on “After All These Years We’re Still Broken”

  1. Dear Mr Shade, These are beautiful and heartfelt words, expressing something that resonated deep within me. We are indeed all one…thanks bro.Be Here,Be now. One Love Maria

    Date: Mon, 24 Mar 2014 11:09:21 +0000 To: [email protected]

  2. Well that was one cathartic read Matt! I can totally relate – especially today. Thanks for keeping the fluff at bay bro. 🙂

    I guess if there’s one thing we’ve learned is that the show must go on. Looking forward to share the stage with you again here or there – most likely in Europe this spring.


    • Thanks man. Appreciate you reading and appreciate your words. Being human can a messy business, right.

  3. Wow! I dont even know what to say! I found your Blog questioning my own wanderlust as being escapism and have been reading for about an two hours now! Deep down we all spend life alone and lonely. No matter how much we tell or write others and vice versa. Finding Blogs like this show that one isnt as alone as one might think; not always being able to share certain thoughts to others! Thank you for sharing yours.

    Im really impressed by the way you see and reflect, things and yourself!! I also write but only for myself. It helps me bring structure in my chaos but i find it impossible to structure my thoughts in the way you do.

    Johann Wolfang von Goethe once said: Thoughtlessness, makes the value of the moment be forgotten (realating to the no off button)!

    Finding “oneself” always pops up again and again because being different doesnt make it easy to fit in the big picture of the world. On travels i feel free, careless, brav, modest, friendly, outgoing and overall happy but when i put these traits into realtion to everyday life, its exactly the opposite. I think its more about finding the right niche or place 🙂

    • Hi SheWonders, thanks for reading and for taking the time to comment! I’m glad you enjoyed it, just my attempt to make sense of the seemingly senseless. Everyday life is harder than the heady days of travel for sure. I think life will always be a ‘work in progress’. Good luck on the journey and with the writing.

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